How to Be a Grownup

I certainly don't claim to have all the answers, but there are some things I have come to believe strongly about what constitutes being a "grownup." It doesn't always happen automatically as we achieve chronological and physical adulthood; sometimes we get stuck in childish ways. Growing up can be a lifelong process, in fact. However, it is my belief that striving to "grow up" will bring a more rewarding and meaningful life.  

So, what characterizes a grownup?  In my view, a grownup is someone who

• Knows what they are feeling. Most of the time, anyway. Many of us become distanced from our feelings as we grow up.  We may be shamed for crying (especially boys) or punished for showing anger (especially girls). Often we are not encouraged to show physical affection after a certain age. We may be taught that it is dangerous to feel too happy or excited because of all the ways things could go wrong. As a result of these messages, we may learn to supress, deny, or distort these feelings until we no longer recognize them, even though we may still be acting them out. And of course in the digital age there are more distractions than ever from feelings that are uncomfortable. It takes maturity to recognize and to tolerate a full range of feelings.

• Is not compelled to act on those feelings. Just because you have a strong feeling does not mean you should act on it in the first way that occurs to you. One of the major issues I see in relationships is that people react to their hurt, frustration, or anger in hurtful ways. This may be satisfying in the moment but is often destructive.  When you lash out at your partner or your child, you can say things you regret, and you help create a climate of negativity.  When you react by withdrawing, you increase distance. To give a very different example, many people react  to feelings of emptiness or boredeom by eating, cutting, or using substances. Growing up means, in part, learning to pause and consider whether and how you want to act on, rather than automatically reacting to, your emotions.  

• Understands that "This, too, shall pass." A very good reason not to react impulsively to negative emotions is that they are always temporary, whether you act on them or not. If you can learn to wait, to observe your feelings as they build, peak, and diminish; you have many more options. Most of us can relate to the experience of sending an angry email or text and then regretting it. In person it can be even more challenging not to respond with defensiveness or hostility.

• Does things because they are the right thing to do, not because of the gratitude, admiration, or validation they expect to receive. Other words for this are character, honor, and integrity.  There is a saying that "character is what you do when no one is looking." Of course we are all motivated by external rewards such as praise, financial gain, or prestige, and there's no problem with that unless these are the only reasons we do things.

• Sees beyond the short term. Brain research suggests that our ability to imagine future consequences, estimate their probability, and gauge their emotional significance is not complete until the third decade of life.¹ These abilities are extremely important for good decision-making, especially when the immediate consequences of an action are in conflict with the longer term ones. Examples include pleasurable but risky or unhealthy behaviors such as drug use, unprotected sex, and overeating; as well as those "good for you" behaviors that aren't necessarily fun, such as exercise and studying.  Planning for the future and living a healthy life depend on being able to inhibit impulses and call upon willpower.

These are a few of the characteristics that I see as being central to a "grownup" life. They are simple but certainly not easy. Often, learning these abilities is central to the work of therapy.


¹Weinberger, D., Giedd, J. & Elvevåg, B. (2005). The Adolescent Brain:  A Work in Progress.  The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.